Terrible Jokes Thread

philw696

Member
Messages
25,123
In a city park stood two naked statues, one female and the other male.

These two statues had faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said,.. “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people,.. I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life,.. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and disappeared behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,.. “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll **** on its head”..
 

philw696

Member
Messages
25,123
A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Johnny what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Johnny thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh1t.
 

Wack61

Member
Messages
8,764
A bus full of nuns crashes off a cliff

They all arrive at the pearly gates with St Peter waiting to admit them but before he can they have to answer a question

Sister, tell me, have you ever touched a penis

She blushes and says, well there was this one time when I touched one with the tip of my pinky finger

Well sister, dip your finger in the Holy water and you can enter the kingdom of heaven

The next Nun approaches and St Peter asks if she's ever touched a penis

Well, there was this one time when I held one in my hand

Sister, wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter the kingdom of heaven

St Peter looks up to see some jostling in the queue

Sister Joan, there's no need to push in, there's room for all in the kingdom of heaven
I know that but if I've got to gargle that water I want to do it before sister Mary dips her a®se in it
 
Last edited:

philw696

Member
Messages
25,123
A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across
and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running
around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs',
he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the
Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt
another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the
Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said
'Jeez Mate,
what the **** is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood
and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and
drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I
doing these Australian customs.'
'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man.
'He say to become true Australian,
you learn to chase chicks,
drink ****,
and listen to bull-****!!..
 

CatmanV2

Member
Messages
48,557
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

C
 

Flint

Member
Messages
326
A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across
and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running
around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs',
he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the
Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt
another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the
Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said
'Jeez Mate,
what the **** is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood
and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and
drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I
doing these Australian customs.'
'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man.
'He say to become true Australian,
you learn to chase chicks,
drink ****,
and listen to bull-****!!..


A joke in the true spirit of this thread.
The emphasis being on 'terrible'.

Well done.